Everything I ever needed to know about sex
I learned everything I ever needed to know about sex, money and power from Sidney Sheldon, author of beloved pulp classics like "Windmills of the Gods," "Rage of Angels" and "The Other Side of Midnight" (I think it was in that last one that I first encountered the word "turgid." I was able to infer its meaning from a lurid description of a banana-split sex trick). To a shy, bookish kid like me, paging through Mr. Sheldon's steamy novels was the equivalent of sneaking a smoke or a toke. I'd be too mortified to check his books out of our tiny one-room village library, so I'd slip my mom's dog-eared copies out of her beach bag when she wasn't looking, retreat to the backyard or lock myself in my room, and gorge myself on scandalous exploits of his glittering, larger-than-life characters. (In retrospect, I'm sure my mom would have been relieved to know that I preferred reading about his characters' sexcapades to acting out my own).
In a Sidney Sheldon novel, all the women were gorgeous and brilliant, all the men were gorgeous and power-hungry, and everyone was trying to bed everyone else while making millions of dollars and clawing their way to the top. Is it any wonder I originally wanted to work in advertising?
I was sad to hear that Mr. Sheldon passed away last week. I've recently been thinking about him (and V.C. Andrews, the other age-inappropriate author I was obsessed with as a kid). When it came to big, juicy, stories with powerfully empathetic, memorable heroines and heroes, they were the original "Masters of the Game." People just don't write stuff like that anymore. How are today's kids learning about sex? Or better yet, how are today's kids learning about fantasizing about sex? The Internet leaves so little to the imagination!
I imagine Mr. Sheldon's heaven as a penthouse suite with an infinity pool and a view of the horizon, inhabited by suavely confident Greek gods barking orders on cell phones and stunning string-bikini goddesses who wax knowledgeable about cinema while giving massages (using only their breasts). Wherever he is, I hope he's having fun.