Freelancette

“Little pig” is nothing.” Try “little s@#$” or “little f*&^%$” or “giant m*&^%!@-f*&^%$# *@#$ in the a&&!” Those were the terms of endearment my own father used with my sister and me when we were children –- and still uses today, when the mood strikes him. In fact, my sister recently burst into tears when her fiancée jokingly serenaded her with the Raffi song, "Baby Beluga," as that had been my dad’s favorite (and my sister’s most abhorred) nickname for her when she was a self-consciously pudgy kid.

I don't relish memories of Dad's put-downs, but to be honest, I've kinda grown immune to them. Parents lose their temper, and that can make them say mean things to their kids. But while it’s dispiriting to be called nasty names by your beloved mom or dad, it’s also a reminder that they’re fallible and human. Sure, I wish my dad could share his feelings of disappointment without referring to me as a “*&^%head,” and I’d be more receptive to his thoughts and ideas if they were served up without a side dish of bitter insults, but at least we’re communicating, right? And as Heather Havrilesky cheerfully pointed out in her hilarious Salon essay, even unpleasant name-calling is better than traditional methods of discipline, like plate-smashing or back-handing.

I've found that the experience of being insulted by your parent sounds much worse than it actually is. When I've told my friends that my father called me a "loser" or a "jerk," they've been much more shocked and offended than I was. That's because I heard his inflections of annoyance, frustration, or impatience, and I'm aware of the context of the conversation -- and I know what I did to upset him. I also know that those weren't the only things he said to me, and that our history is long and complicated and mostly pleasant. I feel manipulative and sneaky even telling people about these exchanges, because I know it makes my father look really, really bad. Now that I think about it, I'm ashamed to even be writing this post!

So imagine how poor Ireland feels about the news of her dad's bad-fatherness making headlines. Could there be anything more mortifying for an 11-year-old than having dad's private rants to you broadcast on national television? As the FOXies said, “Can you imagine what hearing something like that would do to a young girl?!” Whoever leaked this voicemail may have been out to nail Baldwin, but Ireland has gotten caught in the crossfire. She's been punished twice, and it's tough to say which was more malevolent.

Back to Albany... Dad and I happened to be staying in the same hotel last week, so I dashed across the hall to make sure he was paying attention to Baldwin broadcast. FOX News is his favorite news source, so I knew he’d be tuned in.

He was. The two of us silently watched the story loop around again. After Baldwin’s angry tirade spat out from the television set and echoed around the room, Dad and I looked at each other. He appeared to be genuinely puzzled. “I don’t think he did anything wrong!” Dad finally blurted out. I couldn't help but laugh with him.

Fathers should not call their daughters pigs (or whales, or losers, or retards...). I think that secretly, my father knows this. Baldwin does, and he’s apologized to his daughter. But he’s not the only person who should be asking for her forgiveness. Whoever leaked that tape made a serious, hurtful mistake.

However, I do have a bone to pick with Baldwin. In a pre-taped interview for The View, he implied that the stress over this incident has made him want to get out of the acting business, and quit 30 Rock. "If I never acted again, I couldn't care less," he says. (Thankfully, NBC said in a statement Wednesday that Baldwin would remain a part of the show, according to The Associated Press).

Mr. Baldwin, don’t punish the rest of us for your personal mistakes, and don't take your anger with the media out on innocent television junkies. 30 Rock needs you! Tina Fey needs you! I need you! Work on being a better father to Ireland, and then get back to making America laugh.