No Sex in This City
Ill-Equipped for a Life of Sex, by Jennifer Lehr
Reviewed by Corrie Pikul
The Brooklyn Rail
November 2004

In a season whose crotchless fishnets are bursting at the seams with steamy memoirs like Jenna Jameson’s How to Make Love Like a Porn Star and Toni Bentley’s The Surrender, it takes real literary balls (or at least, an uncontrollable streak of exhibitionism) to write a personal story about the banality of sex. Yet that’s exactly what artist Jennifer Lehr has done with her recently published journal-cum-coffee-table book, Ill-Equipped for a Life of Sex.

Ill-Equipped, a beautiful hardbound album of extremely personal stories and candid photos, takes us through Lehr’s sexual history, beginning with her life as a “desperate-to-fit-in teenager who wanted nothing more than to have sex already” and ending with her mostly happy marriage to comedian John Lehr. Along the way, Lehr shares stories of awkward groping sessions with a number of suspiciously similar-looking fat friends; frustrated flings with the bathtub, shower nozzle, and mattress; and dispiriting hookups with unavailable men, all in an none-too-subtle effort to show us that the patterns she established in her youth (her “tracks,” as she calls them) directly affected her relationship with her husband, causing numerous problems between them.

The biggest, most important problem? Their sex life sucked.

As Lehr writes at the end of the first chapter, “Our honeymoon period had come to an end. At first it wasn’t clear. And then it was very clear. And then it was so fucking clear that John and I found ourselves driving to Beverly Hills to couples therapy.” While they may seem like the most well-matched pair in the world, Jennifer and John’s sex life decreased alarmingly after only a few months of dating.

Jennifer and John weren’t abstinent on purpose. For a while, in the beginning of their relationship, they weren’t even abstinent by accident. “We quickly became the typical I-must-talk-to-you-every-night-and-drive-over-to-your-house-at-10pm-because-I-absolutely-cannot-go-to-sleep-if-I’m-not-in-the-same-bed-as-you couple falling in love,” she writes.

The sex in this period was great, even hot: they had phone sex, he went down on her on the side of the road (we see a photo of him in the car, pre-makeout), and once he even “double came.” And then it all came to a screeching halt. Jennifer spends most of the book explaining why. Notable factors include his past as a raging alcoholic, his stress, his job, her intimacy issues, her relationship with her parents, her deep-seated confusion about sex, her need for attention, their financial incompatibility, and differing argument styles. As Lehr discovers (andas anyone in a couple already knows), it’s “complicated.”

Jennifer and John spend significant amounts of time with therapists—hers, his, and theirs. Lehr weaves her weekly therapy sessions through the story of her life. Often, Jennifer and John leave their therapists’ office feeling utterly hopeless and dejected. However, they keep plugging along; both have become convinced that the best way to understand yourself is through a partnership with another person. “Had we not been in couples therapy, we would have broken up long ago,” Jennifer writes.

While Lehr’s view into herself, her partners, and her psychology is long and deep, her conception of the world around her is shockingly narrow and shallow. She is incredibly blasé about sharing private, intimate information (and photos!) about her family, friends, and ex-lovers, and she talks about relationships taking “hard work” as if it’s a novel concept. While she acknowledges her privileged Los Angeles upbringing, she doesn’t seem to appreciate it. (If only we all had the time and money to spend hours each week kvetching to our therapists!) Lehr has said that a big part of her motivation to write the book was altruistic and hopes that others (especially young women) will learn from lessons of her (sex) life. However, that does not come through in this myopic, diary-like tale.

It’s safe to assume that most people would rather read about a couple having sex than to sit in on the Lehrs’ endless therapy sessions, listening to them fight about why they don’t have it. But, breaking from the sex memoir tradition, Lehr writes her book with an eye towards entertainment of a more G-rated sort. Her goal is not to titillate, so she works harder to excite us about the joys of introspection and psychoanalysis than she does the joys of sex. And, through humor, honesty, and old-fashioned great storytelling, she succeeds.

Jennifer Lehr exposes her life and loves in her memoir so that other people won’t feel ashamed or embarrassed about their own sexless, frustrating relationships. But she’s so self-involved and self-absorbed, it’s hard to think of anyone else besides Jennifer while reading her memoir. Fortunately, her story is a good one. Ill-Equipped is an uproarious and un-put-downable love story that leaves one feeling warm empathy towards its protagonists and wishing them a long, happy married life full of great sex.

http://www.thebrooklynrail.org/books/nov04/offtheshelves.html

Copyright 2005 Brooklyn Rail